I have been learning to
juggle lately is ways that I never have before. As a mom to five
children and a few extra, juggling is second nature to me. I thought that I had the
process down to a science. I know how to mix
volunteering at school, working at my church, managing family events and how to
handle Christmas. It hasn't always been pretty but I have think I
have managed pretty well. However, today all my balls in the air came
tumbling down and hit me in the head. I really should have
seen it coming because I know that I have been stretching my skills to their
limit lately. The big change for me has been in my
career. In November, I started working at the office
instead of working out my home and increased my hours. I thought it was going
to be no big deal. After all, I was already doing the
"job" from my home. I warned my husband that it was
going to take me about a month to manage this new change in my life and I
apologized ahead of time for the grumpiness that I knew he was going to live
with for awhile. He is a good guy and is up for the
challenge. Up until today, the worst casualty was
Christmas shopping. I am going to shamefully admit that I started my
shopping on December 17, a measly 8 days before Christmas. With 20 people to buy
for in 8 days it is safe to say that my stress level has been on the rise for
the last week or so. So before I share the perfect storm of events
that hit me today, I want to share some of the thoughts that have been cooking
in my brain lately.
So yesterday, I dragged my husband to the store and began the Christmas
shopping because I knew that I really could not put it off any longer.
After spending way too much money, I put the kids to bed and collapsed on the
couch to watch on of my favorite shows, The Little Couple. The Learning
Channel is showing reruns of the episodes where this couple is adopting a child
from China and I am really enjoying their story. This couple is adopting
a special needs child who is little, just like themselves, and every where they
went in China there are crowds of people staring at them in the
background. The thought flashed through my head that just because they
have experience with this child's upcoming physical challenges, does not mean
this will be an easy road to travel. That is thought
number one.
The second thought came from my 8 year old son. He was fighting with his
brother and called him a stupid head. This is pretty normal stuff for my
house and I used one of my standard lines on him. I said, "He is
your brother with the same blood and the same brain, if you call him stupid,
you are just calling yourself stupid too." This usually works and
the name calling stops. However, he looked right at me and said, "No
it doesn't. I am adopted and I have different blood." I did
not know what to say to that one so I just turned and walked away! I
mentioned to my husband that Nathan seems to becoming more aware of his
adoption roots and we should probably pay a little attention to that subject
with him. I didn't give this another thought until this morning when the
ball were bouncing off my head.
The third thought was courtesy of my teenage son with the substance abuse
issues. I am sure you remember him. He came home last night in such
a drugged stupor that he couldn't put two words together or walk in a straight
line. Upon witnessing this behavior, several panic buttons went
off. He drove home like this (holy cow!!!!!!!!!). Is he going to fall
asleep and not wake up??!!!!!!!!!! Here is new one that was planted in my
brain by his counselor this week, is he having suicidal thoughts that he might
act on? Needless to say, I did not get a lot of sleep that night and my
thoughts went a little crazy. The third thought was a doozy and went
something like this. I am tired and frustrated with this child and I
don't know what to do anymore. I wished I could ship him back to where he
came from. Unfortunately, Jason is my biological child and return postage
on him is impossible. I didn't really mean it anyway but combined with my
thoughts above, I hit a nerve within myself.
At Nathan's adoption ceremony in the judges chamber, I remember the judge
asking me and my husband if we would care for this child in sickness and health
and support him financially for the rest of his life. It was almost the
same language as traditional wedding ceremony and it was very touching to
me. It was that moment when a new parent realizes that they are
completely responsible for this small person. It happened to me with my
firstborn son too when I realized that the nurse wasn't coming back to change
his diaper. That was my job and he was my responsibility. Whether a
parent is having this epiphany in the judge's chambers or in the hospital with
a newborn, the feeling is the same. I am signing up for all the
wonderfulness of raising a child and all the awfulness of raising a
child. I am committed to loving this child when he plugs in an iron and
melts a perfect triangle into the living room carpet. I am committed to
receiving every last hug that he will give me until he grows up and gets
embarrassed hugging his mother. I am committed to paying his bail and
fishing him out of jail if he is picked up by the police. I am committed
to watching him marry the girl of his choice someday. I
am promising to take the good with the bad, no matter what method my child
arrived by.
This morning I was dashing around making multiple lunches and packing backpacks
when I realized that the stuffing mix I had bought to send to school for a
holiday party had been opened and half eaten the day before by an annoying
teenager. I realized that another annoying teenager had parked his
car behind mine and his car keys are nowhere to be found. Jason is still
laying on the couch in a drugged stupor and another child just missed the
bus. I knew at that point that I was going to be late for my crossing
guard job and I would have to be late for my office job to drop off the child
who missed the bus. Sitting in line at the school a half an hour later, I
realized that if that judge had told me about a morning like this, I would
never have believed him, but I would have still signed my name on that
paper. There are no guarantees that the child who arrives in your arms
will be perfect or that no bad thing will happen in the future. Parenting
is the most amazing, rewarding, craziest and dirty job that I can think of in
life. Potential foster and adoptive parents have the added burden of
choosing this occupation on purpose. Some birth parents do too but not
all of them. Is the choice too scary? Sometimes it is and people
choose not be parents. I think that foster and adoptive parents have to
be more fearless than others because often a child's flaws are laid out in
black and white on paper as the parent decides if this child is a good match.
It is an almost incomprehensible choice to me. If the nurse had
handed me a piece of paper listing the troubles that Jason would experience in
his life, I may have run in the other direction! My advice to parents who
are thinking about fostering or adopting a child is to remember that the
snapshot that you see of my difficult son is just how the picture looks today.
He has so much potential as a human being that I cannot give up on him.
The positive things in his future are worth the fight. Jason wants
to be a chef. I can picture him with children and a wife. He will
make an amazing husband and father some day. Nathan may want to find his
birth parents someday and I am prepared to help him do that. They are a
part of who he is. Parenthood is a journey with towering highs and
unbearable lows. I am not a perfect parent and my kids are not perfect
kids, but together we are a family. I recommend the journey of parenthood
to anyone who is brave enough to try. Tomorrow morning I am going to have
an umbrella handy just in case my juggling fails again.