I miss writing my thoughts down every week but life has been crazy since school ended and summer began. I work from my home and I was really worried about how I was going to get any work done at all with five children plus their friends hanging around my house. However, I am happy to report that the transition went much better than expected. I hired a babysitter to come to the house two days a week and my husband has been fantastic at taking over when he comes home from work. I actually feel more organized than I did when I had all day to work while the kids were at school. I guess the knowledge that I only have the babysitter for five hours focuses me on the job at hand. So here I am with the kids chattering outside my locked office door, ready to tackle a very difficult topic that has been on my mind for awhile now.
Everyone has a biased opinion or a prejudice against something. If you do not believe me then you have not spent enough time exploring your inner self. We are all shaped by the family or environment that we were raised in and we all lean in a certain direction. The worst of these judgemental opinions can be labeled as racism, bigotry, or intolerance. Like most people, I don't spend a lot of time exploring the biased opinion that I may carry around with me. However, when parents enter the world of foster care and adoption, these "opinions" rise to the top very quickly. The first time I faced my own biased opinion occurred when I began to think about parenting a child of another race. Could I do it? Would it matter to me? I did not think that it would but my husband was pretty good about asking the hard questions. Was I ready for a lifetime of questions that strangers would ask if the child looked so different from me? That may sound crazy and bizarre but people often ask questions that are inappropriate. In order to parent a child of a different race, I had to know in my heart that I would defend that child in all situations. For the record, I have parented a child of a different race and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I learned how to handle rude questions with humor and became proud of the many differences that stick out in my family. This issue is really much broader than just race. It includes children with disabilities and the biggest issue of all... behavior problems.
Foster children tend to have behavior problems that stick out in public. In one of my support groups, I asked my parents how much information they share about foster parenting. One of the Dad's laughed and said that he didn't have to share any information. He had the words "foster parent" stamped on his forehead! He meant that a foster child currently living in his home had some very serious behavior issues, especially out in the public eye. Many people form very quick jugdements about parenting techniques when a child is acting up. Gay parents have shared with me that they face this kind of judgement and bias on a regular basis.
I wanted to share an eye opening moment with you that happened to me recently. I was speaking with a coworker about things that I liked about my job and things that I didn't. It came out that one of the areas that I struggle with is birth parents who are not dedicated to working out their issues. I first ran into this brick wall when I began taking my first foster child to a visit with her mother. The first visit went well, but she never showed up for the second visit. I was driving 30 minutes each way, once a week for these visits to happen. Needless to say, I was angry when the birth mom did not show up. I also had to handle very carefully the child's feelings about mom not coming to an event that was very important to the child. It made me angry to see some one's carelessness hurt a child in this way. I quickly learned that this is a common problem for foster children and their caregivers. Birth parents have many reasons for not showing up to visits that in my experience include, substance abuse, transportation difficulties, and just not caring enough. As a foster parent, my priority is the child and at that time in my life, I was very skeptical of anything that would keep a parent from visiting with their child. I could add a few more adjectives the judgemental pile I was keeping that included, anger, impatience, frustration, and disgust. Jumping ahead several years into the future, I did not realize that I had continued to carry those feelings with me with regards to a birth parents. My coworker is a real gem and handled it with humor by pointing out that a birth parent may be standing right behind me! Her response reminded me that I work in a field where birth parents and their rights as parents are very important.
In my defense, I do not work directly with birth parents. I primary work with adoptive and foster parents and I have no contact with birth parents at this time. However, I eventually want to work as a case worker which will involve working directly with birth parents. Obviously, I have some work to do on my inner self before I would feel ready to work in this area. The good news here is that with some education and a little bit of open mindedness, most people (including myself) have the ability to change.
My advice is to not let fear of the unknown stop your from jumping into a new situation. I remember picturing my family portrait with a tall black man standing beside this crazy, short, white family. The image was funny but warmed my heart. Of course I could love a child of a different race because what is really important to me was helping a child find a family. Now, my actual family portrait is a source of joy each year because it is never the same. Sometimes there is a tall child, or a black child, or a child who cannot sit still even for a short moment in my family picture. I am going to have to remember that the people who are not in my family picture are important too. Birth parents are an important part of my children's lives whether I like it or not. It is long past time for me to open my mind and heart and begin to let go of my long held prejudices. I hope you can too.