My last post talked about how busy foster parents are when juggling the needs of a family. After reading a comment from one of my readers, I realized that welcoming a foster child into the home produces a domino effect of changes in the family that I did not address in "Juggling". I would like to send a big "Hello" to Foster Dad who made a comment on one of my posts (thanks for visiting my blog!). That comment led me to his blog that stirred up all kinds of memories I had pushed to the back of my brain. His blog is at http://www.fostercaredad.com/. Foster Dad is documenting his journey though foster parenting and is at the beginning of the road, processing paperwork and winding his way through the licensing process.
How much will my life change with a child in the home? I stopped asking this question a long time ago because my home has more of a sports team atmosphere where children come and go fairly regularly. There was a time (a long, long time ago) when it was just me and my husband living in a little house and dreaming of welcoming children to our home. I am confident in saying that couples with no children who are diving into foster care will face the most substantial changes in their lives. A child (of any age) has a way of taking over a household and filling up the house. All of a sudden, life revolves around this small person who requires constant care. All new parents face this sudden change in their lifestyle with little regard to how the child arrives. Parents who are welcoming a new baby to their family can prepare and buy all the things that a small infant needs. Parents who are adopting internationally are matched before traveling and know the age and sex of the child arriving. This helps the preparation process immeasurably. Foster parents are just waiting for an unknown child to arrive. We generally have chosen an age range and have some idea of what is coming but what is ahead can be very cloudy. For instance, if a foster parent is awaiting a placement in the 0-5 age range, car seats have to be considered. An infant will need an infant seat and a toddler will need a toddler seat. If the child is almost six, you may be looking at a booster seat. Which car seat should I buy to be prepared? This question can be repeated for beds and clothing too. It is safe to say that material preparation is a little challenging in foster care.
Foster parents go through training to try and anticipate some of the challenges ahead. Training is a very important part of the preparation process. PRIDE training is required and covers a lot of ground, but I also recommend going to support groups to get a flavor for what life is like for foster parents who already have a placement. If you have time, continue to attend training classes, even if you have already fulfilled your required hours. I love to read, so I spent my preparation time reading anything that related to children. I read behavior books, pregnancy books, and foster care books. I read anything that sparked my interest because it helped me feel more prepared. Of course, do not forget about the Internet. Reading blogs is an amazing way to gain knowledge about what is ahead.
Here are some quick and practical ways that you life is going to change. Sleep is always the first thing sacrificed. Either you are caring for a baby or worrying about an older one. Either way, a good night's sleep is not in the cards any longer. Meals become more complicated. The days of just grabbing something on the fly are over. Children need regular meal times with more than one item on the plate. Plan on more trips to the grocery store. School lunches, formula and picky eaters pretty much guarantee daily stops at the grocery store. Plan on more time in the car. Trips to school or day care will become your normal route. Stock your car with magazines or a good book for those times when you are stuck waiting in your car. It will happen a lot. Doctors, teachers and case workers are going to become the people you chat with on the telephone everyday.
You will miss sleeping soundly and having free time to do anything you wish. However, I have found that children have a special way of filling up your day in the most wonderful ways. Looking back, I cannot remember what I did with an entire day without a child in it. I have a hard time imagining returning to that state when my kids are grown. It is a wonderful and amazing ride to nurture a child. I am sure that fear of the unknown will try to overtake your mind when you are waiting for that first placement. Ignore it. The best times of your life are just around the corner!
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Recognizing an Abused Child
I read and article yesterday called, "Siblings Discover Dad's Scout Abuse, Remember Own". Here is the link if you would like to read it. Abuse article. I read it several days ago and it has really stuck with me, but not for the reasons you might think. The article describes a brother and sister reading a memo that was part of the files recently released, dating from 1959 to the late 1980's describing abuse incidents in Boy Scouting. The article describes an incident where their father is observed molesting a young boy. As a result, he was fired from his job with the boy scouts. No legal action was taken. The last line of the article is what has been on my mind. It says, "After his dismissal, on February 7, 1963 Gray went home to his family. Carol was 12 years old. Jim was only 7." Both siblings suffered abuse at the hands of their father.
As a social worker, I am a mandated reporter. Michigan has a law that requires people in certain professions to report suspected child abuse. Here is a list of mandated reporters. Mandated Reporters. Essentially, the law says that if I see signs of abuse or suspect abuse, I am am required to report it. That seems easy, but it really isn't. Kids get bruises for all kinds of reasons. Even good mother's forget to send a pair of mittens to school sometimes. How do we really tell if a child is being abused? I had a teenager tell me that her father was abusing her. Her mother said that she was making it up. I have had teenagers and it is entirely possible she was making it up. I had to make a judgement call. I chose to call Child Protective Services because in my mind, it is better to be safe than sorry. I have another example of a third grade girl who clothes are always too big and her coat is never zipped up. She arrives at my corner almost 30 minutes before school starts. It makes me wonder if Mom and Dad have gone to work and left her to find her own way to school. Why are her clothes always too big? Her hair is brushed about half of the time. Is this neglect or just a kid who doesn't want to comb her hair and zip up her coat? Since I am the crossing guard at the corner, I do not get to spend more than 10 to 15 minutes with this girl. This time I chose to ask a few questions. She tells me that she is poor and her mother cannot see. There doesn't appear to be a father in the picture. If I get worried enough about this child, I will head up to the school and ask for some background. For now, I am just going to keep reminding her to zip up her coat and hurry into school.
I have a friend whose child had a rug burn on his back from wrestling on the floor with his brother. The student teacher in his first grade class room reported this to child protective services and they came and asked some questions. I admire a student teacher who is not afraid to speak up and question a child's situation. My friend was terrified that her child was going to be taken away from her. I advised her to answer all the questions honestly and let her day care provider know what that she was being investigated. It turned out just fine and nothing came of the incident.
As a social worker, I do not travel around with my eye peeled for the smallest sign of child abuse, but I am educated in what to look for. As a human being, I do not want to be a whistle blower and see things that are not there. However, I also do not want to be the person that did not speak up when confronted with evidence. This is why that article is weighing on my mind so heavily. When the Boy Scouts fired this man, he just went home and began abusing his own children instead. Someone chose to ignore some really big signs and the children paid the highest price of all. I don't really want to get into a debate on right or wrong in the Boy Scout organization, or in the Catholic Church, or at Penn State. All it makes me think about is that there was someone just like me who suspected something and didn't do anything about it.
From my own personal experience, I am just a spoke in the wheel. There are others in the wheel who may have doubts just like me. The little girl I am wondering about sees a lot of adults everyday at school. I am sure I am not the only one wondering about this child's situation. I think the spokes should be talking to each other. If more than one person has noticed what I have, I am going to do something about it. If I am wrong and a family has to suffer through an investigation, I am not going to feel bad about acting on my instinct. If there is the slightest chance that a child is being abused and neglected, I want to be the person that saves a child from a life time of abuse.
Here is the number to call if you suspect a child is being abused or neglected in Michigan: 855-444-3911
As a social worker, I am a mandated reporter. Michigan has a law that requires people in certain professions to report suspected child abuse. Here is a list of mandated reporters. Mandated Reporters. Essentially, the law says that if I see signs of abuse or suspect abuse, I am am required to report it. That seems easy, but it really isn't. Kids get bruises for all kinds of reasons. Even good mother's forget to send a pair of mittens to school sometimes. How do we really tell if a child is being abused? I had a teenager tell me that her father was abusing her. Her mother said that she was making it up. I have had teenagers and it is entirely possible she was making it up. I had to make a judgement call. I chose to call Child Protective Services because in my mind, it is better to be safe than sorry. I have another example of a third grade girl who clothes are always too big and her coat is never zipped up. She arrives at my corner almost 30 minutes before school starts. It makes me wonder if Mom and Dad have gone to work and left her to find her own way to school. Why are her clothes always too big? Her hair is brushed about half of the time. Is this neglect or just a kid who doesn't want to comb her hair and zip up her coat? Since I am the crossing guard at the corner, I do not get to spend more than 10 to 15 minutes with this girl. This time I chose to ask a few questions. She tells me that she is poor and her mother cannot see. There doesn't appear to be a father in the picture. If I get worried enough about this child, I will head up to the school and ask for some background. For now, I am just going to keep reminding her to zip up her coat and hurry into school.
I have a friend whose child had a rug burn on his back from wrestling on the floor with his brother. The student teacher in his first grade class room reported this to child protective services and they came and asked some questions. I admire a student teacher who is not afraid to speak up and question a child's situation. My friend was terrified that her child was going to be taken away from her. I advised her to answer all the questions honestly and let her day care provider know what that she was being investigated. It turned out just fine and nothing came of the incident.
I have also been investigated as a foster parent for abuse.
I took one of my foster daughter's to visit her birth mother and the next
thing I know, the case worker is on my phone telling me about a bruise on the
side of this young girl. I was in quite a panic for a day or so until the
mess was cleared up. Our family has an above ground swimming pool in the
back yard. The day after the the investigation began, I took the kids
swimming. This young lady had a swim suit that had a cut out on the side.
She was dark skinned to start with and with no frame of reference the cut
out circle looked just like a bruise. I immediately called the social
worker and explained. The crisis had been avoided. As much as I did
not enjoy that little incident, it is necessary. Some foster parents do
abuse foster children and they should be questioned and monitored at all times.
As a social worker, I do not travel around with my eye peeled for the smallest sign of child abuse, but I am educated in what to look for. As a human being, I do not want to be a whistle blower and see things that are not there. However, I also do not want to be the person that did not speak up when confronted with evidence. This is why that article is weighing on my mind so heavily. When the Boy Scouts fired this man, he just went home and began abusing his own children instead. Someone chose to ignore some really big signs and the children paid the highest price of all. I don't really want to get into a debate on right or wrong in the Boy Scout organization, or in the Catholic Church, or at Penn State. All it makes me think about is that there was someone just like me who suspected something and didn't do anything about it.
From my own personal experience, I am just a spoke in the wheel. There are others in the wheel who may have doubts just like me. The little girl I am wondering about sees a lot of adults everyday at school. I am sure I am not the only one wondering about this child's situation. I think the spokes should be talking to each other. If more than one person has noticed what I have, I am going to do something about it. If I am wrong and a family has to suffer through an investigation, I am not going to feel bad about acting on my instinct. If there is the slightest chance that a child is being abused and neglected, I want to be the person that saves a child from a life time of abuse.
Here is the number to call if you suspect a child is being abused or neglected in Michigan: 855-444-3911
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Juggling Life
The life of a foster parent can be very busy. I titled this one "Juggling Life" because that is what I have felt like lately. I have a wide age range of kids in my home right now and it makes for some very interesting days around here. One child needs to be driven somewhere, another needs to practice his driving. One has a doctor's appointment and another needs paperwork filled out for a college class. I volunteered to chaperon a field trip for my youngest at the elementary school (what was I thinking?) and I have two jobs that earn real money. That would be the short list of what is going on this week. I forgot to mention that I have a nasty cold that has taken away my voice all week long. I have to confess, I was a little negative at the bus stop this morning when chatting with another mother with my hoarse voice. It feels like all the balls I have in the air are going to come crashing down today.
I used to complain about my busy schedule but I have come to realize that I really enjoy the organizational challenge of juggling all my kids. I learned how to juggle children when I first became a foster parent. None of the classes prepare you for the busyness of foster parenting. I started with one child (thank goodness!). It is so exciting when you receive the call for the first placement. I love the anticipation that comes with getting to know a foster child. However, once the getting to know you part of foster is over, the appointments begin. Your case worker will visit once a month, which can be very stressful at first. Is my house clean enough? Will the child behave through the visit? Will the social worker know that I am trying to be the best parent I can but it may not look that great on the outside? Then the doctor's appointments, school appointments and dentist appointments begin. Can you see where this is going? Foster parents are busy people! Just when I think I have everything under control, visitation with birth parents begins.
These visits will happen at least once a week, depending on the child's circumstances. Some visitations are scheduled twice a week and that is much tougher. Most foster parents have full time jobs to add to the mix. Many foster parents have more than one foster child from different families. Imagine how many visits could be on your calendar in that scenario. I recently attended a foster parent support group where one of the foster parents had 5 foster children currently in her home and she was offering to do respite for 1 more. She is an amazing lady. Personally, I completely understand this lady. I love a busy household and I love having a lot of children around. I also find that helping a child is a very addicting process.
My kids have a half day at school today which makes things a little more complicated and causes me to complain to my husband about the school system. I hate half days because I have to get everyone ready and out the door just like a normal day. However, as soon as the last one leaves, one of the older ones arrives home and the process goes in reverse. My vote is for all day school or a day off. Half days are a nuisance in my busy schedule. I am pretty sure that the teachers feel the same way I do. Anyway, that is enough complaining. Here are some practical tips to help with the juggling process.
Get a big calendar and put it up somewhere. Every event in our household has to go on the calendar or Mom doesn't go. I have a personal calendar that I carry with me, but it can't replace the large family event calendar. If you have two children close in age, make sure they are on the same team, or same class. It is always a bonus when I can combine activities. I love having sibling groups as foster children because all the visits are combined. My jobs outside the home tend to involve my children too. I have worked at the schools they attend as a teacher's assistant. It is wonderful when your work schedule is the same as the school schedule. As a social worker, my kids often attend special events with me. It helps them get to know other foster or adopted children. Here is a hard one but worth the effort. Only go to the grocery store once a week. If you run off to the grocery store for little things every day, you are wasting huge amounts of time and effort. Don't do it! Last of all, forgive yourself when you drop all the balls. It will happen and we just do the best that we can.
I got a big hug from my little boys when they burst off the bus this afternoon on the dreaded half day. That gives me the energy to keep juggling and to remind myself on the rough days why I do what I do.
I used to complain about my busy schedule but I have come to realize that I really enjoy the organizational challenge of juggling all my kids. I learned how to juggle children when I first became a foster parent. None of the classes prepare you for the busyness of foster parenting. I started with one child (thank goodness!). It is so exciting when you receive the call for the first placement. I love the anticipation that comes with getting to know a foster child. However, once the getting to know you part of foster is over, the appointments begin. Your case worker will visit once a month, which can be very stressful at first. Is my house clean enough? Will the child behave through the visit? Will the social worker know that I am trying to be the best parent I can but it may not look that great on the outside? Then the doctor's appointments, school appointments and dentist appointments begin. Can you see where this is going? Foster parents are busy people! Just when I think I have everything under control, visitation with birth parents begins.
These visits will happen at least once a week, depending on the child's circumstances. Some visitations are scheduled twice a week and that is much tougher. Most foster parents have full time jobs to add to the mix. Many foster parents have more than one foster child from different families. Imagine how many visits could be on your calendar in that scenario. I recently attended a foster parent support group where one of the foster parents had 5 foster children currently in her home and she was offering to do respite for 1 more. She is an amazing lady. Personally, I completely understand this lady. I love a busy household and I love having a lot of children around. I also find that helping a child is a very addicting process.
My kids have a half day at school today which makes things a little more complicated and causes me to complain to my husband about the school system. I hate half days because I have to get everyone ready and out the door just like a normal day. However, as soon as the last one leaves, one of the older ones arrives home and the process goes in reverse. My vote is for all day school or a day off. Half days are a nuisance in my busy schedule. I am pretty sure that the teachers feel the same way I do. Anyway, that is enough complaining. Here are some practical tips to help with the juggling process.
Get a big calendar and put it up somewhere. Every event in our household has to go on the calendar or Mom doesn't go. I have a personal calendar that I carry with me, but it can't replace the large family event calendar. If you have two children close in age, make sure they are on the same team, or same class. It is always a bonus when I can combine activities. I love having sibling groups as foster children because all the visits are combined. My jobs outside the home tend to involve my children too. I have worked at the schools they attend as a teacher's assistant. It is wonderful when your work schedule is the same as the school schedule. As a social worker, my kids often attend special events with me. It helps them get to know other foster or adopted children. Here is a hard one but worth the effort. Only go to the grocery store once a week. If you run off to the grocery store for little things every day, you are wasting huge amounts of time and effort. Don't do it! Last of all, forgive yourself when you drop all the balls. It will happen and we just do the best that we can.
I got a big hug from my little boys when they burst off the bus this afternoon on the dreaded half day. That gives me the energy to keep juggling and to remind myself on the rough days why I do what I do.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Foster Children are Survivors
I have heard a lot of bad stories from foster children about their past. It started with the foster children who entered my home. I was constantly amazed by their past histories. Actually, I don't think that "amazed" is the correct word. Horrified, astounded, stunned may describe it a little better. Many of the histories I have heard include some common themes. "Mom left me alone a lot" is very common from kids under 8 years old. "We didn't have any food" is another one. However, it is the details that stay with me. "My Mom taught me to chew on this side of my mouth so that I wouldn't hurt the hole in my tooth on the other side." When I looked in this little girl's mouth, she had a cavity so large I could have fit a small pebble inside it. "Mom said I was too naughty for Christmas presents." I found out that Mom said that lovely line a few years in a row. "I like to be alone. I watch tv and eat cereal, until it is gone, then I wish Mom would come home." A six year old boy told me this as I was prepping him to go to a babysitters. How could someone leave a 6 year old to fend for themselves for long periods of time? Many foster children stories are much worse than what I have written.
It is my personal opinion that children don't end up in foster care by accident or for borderline issue. These kids are survivors of the worst of the worst kinds of families. They are innocent victims of a family that has failed for many different reasons. "Survivors" is my favorite word to describe foster children because it reminds me that a behavior that upsets me probably was developed as a survival response. The simplest example of this is hoarding food. A young child who has survived neglect knows that when the parents leave, the food has to last until they come back. They may not come back for hours or even days. I have found food hidden in some very strange places by following the smell after a few days. I have found food under the bed, in the backpack, in the closet, stuffed inside a toy, and my personal favorite, under the bushes next to the front porch. Foster children often steal because they do not know any other way to get the things they want or need. I just heard about a pair of biological siblings in foster care who do not get along very well. Have these children ever seen a positive example of family bonding? Probably not. How can we expect them to love and take care of each other when all they have witnessed in their young lives are negative role models?
It is a fact that foster children arrive in foster homes with some really horrible behaviors that make a foster parent wonder if there is any hope for the child. There is hope and it is foster parent's job to find help for the child. The case worker is your partner in this mission. "Use the services offered" is my favorite phrase. If the services are not offered, go and find something. Services can include therapy, mentors, and support groups. Other possibilities are recreational activities for older kids, preschool or story time for younger children. These children need to see and experience normal social interactions. If your foster child has a behavior issue that you have no idea how to deal with, call your worker or connect with other foster parents. Chances are high that someone involved in foster care has seen the behavior and tried a few things. These children need every tool we can pull out of our foster parenting tool box to learn how to act normally. Remember that these children are survivors. They act the way they do for a reason and it is rarely is just to be naughty or disobedient.
Sometimes the solution is simple, such as my remedy for hoarding. I give the child their own drawer in the refrigerator with their name on it. The child may put whatever they need too in the drawer and keep it as long as it doesn't smell. After a period of time, the child learns that foster mom will always have enough to eat in the house. Hiding food becomes unnecessary and the child forms a bond of trust that wasn't there before with the foster parents. Some problems are more complicated and require extended therapy, but the result is always worth the effort. For me, the most rewarding aspect of foster parenting is changing a child's life. Working with each unique behavior pattern and teaching a child to overcome it, is a miraculous process. These children will continue to be lifelong survivors with the help of foster parents who care.
It is my personal opinion that children don't end up in foster care by accident or for borderline issue. These kids are survivors of the worst of the worst kinds of families. They are innocent victims of a family that has failed for many different reasons. "Survivors" is my favorite word to describe foster children because it reminds me that a behavior that upsets me probably was developed as a survival response. The simplest example of this is hoarding food. A young child who has survived neglect knows that when the parents leave, the food has to last until they come back. They may not come back for hours or even days. I have found food hidden in some very strange places by following the smell after a few days. I have found food under the bed, in the backpack, in the closet, stuffed inside a toy, and my personal favorite, under the bushes next to the front porch. Foster children often steal because they do not know any other way to get the things they want or need. I just heard about a pair of biological siblings in foster care who do not get along very well. Have these children ever seen a positive example of family bonding? Probably not. How can we expect them to love and take care of each other when all they have witnessed in their young lives are negative role models?
It is a fact that foster children arrive in foster homes with some really horrible behaviors that make a foster parent wonder if there is any hope for the child. There is hope and it is foster parent's job to find help for the child. The case worker is your partner in this mission. "Use the services offered" is my favorite phrase. If the services are not offered, go and find something. Services can include therapy, mentors, and support groups. Other possibilities are recreational activities for older kids, preschool or story time for younger children. These children need to see and experience normal social interactions. If your foster child has a behavior issue that you have no idea how to deal with, call your worker or connect with other foster parents. Chances are high that someone involved in foster care has seen the behavior and tried a few things. These children need every tool we can pull out of our foster parenting tool box to learn how to act normally. Remember that these children are survivors. They act the way they do for a reason and it is rarely is just to be naughty or disobedient.
Sometimes the solution is simple, such as my remedy for hoarding. I give the child their own drawer in the refrigerator with their name on it. The child may put whatever they need too in the drawer and keep it as long as it doesn't smell. After a period of time, the child learns that foster mom will always have enough to eat in the house. Hiding food becomes unnecessary and the child forms a bond of trust that wasn't there before with the foster parents. Some problems are more complicated and require extended therapy, but the result is always worth the effort. For me, the most rewarding aspect of foster parenting is changing a child's life. Working with each unique behavior pattern and teaching a child to overcome it, is a miraculous process. These children will continue to be lifelong survivors with the help of foster parents who care.